I have a love/hate relationship when men come within a 10 minute time frame.
first time Ive ever had to stop sex to go pass out in the kitchen floor...
My grandma paid her handyman in pain killers. I now know why this is in my genes
my momz letting me make the christmas card in photoshop
so that means christmas in space?
imma make our dead cats ghosts like obi wan kenobi
I just woke up to find the whole kitchen sick had been converted into a gravity bong.
we were walking and you spelled the word "oats" to prove you weren't drunk.
She crushed my hand with the box spring last time, so it's all good.
the kid throwing up and laying face down on the deck just asked ME if I'M okay...
Because he's your one night stand I shouldn't feel obligated to extend social media to him
Besides the flaccid incident, it was decent. Average sized. So this is my life now. Loneliness and lackluster sex.
You kind of have a nervous, desperate thing going on that isn't exactly catnip for bitches
Sitting in airport bathroom. Guy walks into toilet next to me and announces "I want to apologize to the entire airport for what I'm about to do"
Adulthood is weird i just cleared a check larger than my gross income from 2011 but i also just did coke during my lunch break
I didn't realize how much I relied on you for a reason to drink on tuesday
She's the other freshman on this drunken voyage
Randomize
