i need an iv and a liver transplant
i'm saving my butt for my wedding night
ii just google-imaged 'sad turtle' and maggie gyllenhaal only came up once. what is the world coming to?
my three year anniversary of no dick sucking is coming up. you can throw me a party with a penis cake.
the man who designed bathrooms to have toilets within easy puking distance from the shower is my hero
You should've stopped drinking when you started asking people for bites of tequila.
Not much, just your average college male Sunday cleaning period blood out of the carpet.
Tell me you're kidding.
Besides scarred, I'm not much of anything right now.
Called the cops on a high school party then went in after all the kids ran away and took the rest of the beer. What are you doing tonight?
High Amy loves you. Sober Amy is unsure, but she's not here so fuck that bitch.
Closed my eyes in the shower and got really dizzy. Not sure if neurological or result of 4 day vodka binge. Send help.
I said his dick tasted like a Hawaiian Sweet Roll. And then I yelled MAHALO.
You dropped my mother on the dance floor. She has a concussion. You didn't apologize. Don't speak to me for a while.
FUCK YOU VODKA I'M TRYING TO ADULT RIGHT NOW
We were making eye contact while i was throwing up.
Where do you think black out memories go?
Into the dark abysmal abyss of the deepest, darkest part of your mind. It's obviously the bodies natural defense to protect you from witnessing the shit you do while actually blacked out.
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