they just dont make restraining orders like they used to.
I just came up with the perfect plan. Once i'm a dentist i'm going to offer dad a million dollars to divorce mom.
Just got thank you sex for shoveling the driveway. I cant wait for the next blizzard
please explain to me why there is a shopping cart in my living room.
today i learned why jack sparrow loved rum so fucking much
Two bottles of champagne and half a pizza later, I'm crying myself to tears watching The Nanny. Happy finals week.
no i had to finish in the bathroom to a pic of her mom in a bikini.
i'm soo broke, the only trip i can afford for spring break is acid
Okay. I am working on pulling a tooth out of my mouth. Call me.
I think the guy I was trying to dance with was an undercover cop...
We just broke into a lion king sing along. Understanding is not possible.
We decided to make playlists for each other. Do you know any songs that say "sorry I'm not as hot as your prostitute ex?"
But in defense of this shit summer we've had, I totally perfected my shotgunning skills. I have achieved my summer goal.
We just had an accidental Facebook titty pic scare.
Just letting you know that I just spent 11 dollars on a car wash... Because you had sex in my car.
Randomize
