I woke up with a black eye and dim memories of announcing that i had super powers. I shoved my pockets full of canned tuna and tried to jump off the balcony. And then my boyfriend called the cops.
so you're not coming in to work today?
Sober January is a disaster.
dear sober me, don't br the first to open the fridge in the morning
How are you feeling today?
i could've thrown up on command at any point today...
do guys with small dicks even attempt to pursue romantic relationships?
Well someone named our apartment "the eiffel tower" on facebook check-in so I think they know..
I just walked by a party bus on my way to study. God hates me.
you blew your rape whistle in his face every time he got near a girl till he left the party...
Found a pic of me suckling your nipple at the bar. Safe to say you don't want this one tagged?
She just passive-aggressively stripped in the kitchen while humming the theme to Doug.
There has to be a way to make college graduation in Las Vegas different than any other Tuesday in Las Vegas. Strippers? Been there. Getting arrested for public indecency on the strip? Done that.
I just tried to get a motorcycle cop to give me a ride....he told me not to ask strangers for rides
He fucked me in one of the back rooms at the club then gave me an altoid. I have mixed feelings about it still.
I think someone is dead in a car across the street
Scratch that, dude's getting a blow job
I'm sorry, I'm tired, I can't play long distance cockblock anymore. Good night don't get too pregnant.
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