Wow my backseat really seemed a lot bigger when we were 16
So I was throwing up in this fancy toilet at a party last night, when he decided it would be funny to flush it. It was a beday. I had to walk out with toilet water and regurgitated rumpleminze all over my face and shirt.
new low: my hungover self just mistook bacon grease for mashed potatoes. worst. mistake. ever.
why is it whenever you puke in the park there are always little kids on the swings?
bring money and cleavage
We ended up getting arrested after we flagged down the cops for a ride home with open beers in our hands... turns out the "nobody told me" excuse doesn't cut it anymore
He did a 4 wheel burnout and yelled at the cops "Sorry! It's for a school project!". HOW does he think of this shit?
He told me my outfit made me look like a twelve year old then proceeded with "but you don't look like a whore"
Like we were literally doing coke off his insulin pump
Like woke up with a dick piercing kind of drunk.
It's like "hey I give your roommate blowjobs twice a week, want to connect on LinkedIn?"
Comedy Central is in dire need of more sitable faces late at night - Trevor Noah has a baby face - there are federal rules against those types of sexual fantasies
My vagina is very pro this idea
I just had the polyamorous Canadian hockey player do the splits while naked in a handstand at my apartment just now. And yes, I know it’s 1:30am on a Thursday.
Nothing like having a family watch you dry heave at the end of the dock
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