If Rob Pattinson gets another fucking MTV award, I'm going to vomit.
two drunk chicks are talking to me about reinacting 2girls1cup
ill bring the camera dont start without me
I just threw up while getting a haircut. I'm never trying to accomplish stuff with a hangover again.
How are you feeling today?
i could've thrown up on command at any point today...
Found my little brother jerking off with a condom. he said he was "practicing"
OMG its one we used last night
I stayed up for hours making sure you didnt pass out in a mountain of your own puke. But when I heard you yell AWWWW FUUCCKK, somehow I knew everything would be ok
You don't forget tits like those, even if you are vegas drunk.
But please don't judge me if i smell like mustard
Right now I'm standing in front of my fridge, drinking wine out of the bottle and eating cold steak with my hands. I am THE BEST at being single.
He kept telling me Te Amo last night. Over and over. And that he was scared. Drunkenly. In Spanish.
I'm just sayin. If your gonna cheat go for someone TOTALLY different. Fucking her twin would be a waste.
He didn't get how "starting a flash flood in my thunderhole" was a sexy euphemism. Deal breaker.
I accidentally sent my dad a very explicit Star Wars fanfiction and he replied with "That was great!"
summer in europe = liver of steel
I accept that challenge.
So my step mom just informed me she tells stories about me at work as a form of birth control for the girls that work there, not sure if i should be offended or proud.
Randomize
