I seem to have left my pride at pride
Every time you buy a sobe you buy a bong.
if it were possible I'd exchange my vagina for a diff one on the black market.
the general consensus of people in the room is that i should have another bottle of wine.
"people in the room" being me.
He was waring a speedo fashioned out of american flag bandanas and when he got hard he said "you're such a patriot...raising the american flag like that"
did i mention he attempted to milk her in backseat?
You just handed me your ATM card and wrote your PIN number on a dollar bill and said "for bail money."
Hey. There is naked girl with "plz don't touch her. She just turned 21" sharpied on her chest. What happened last night?
Thank you for caring about my cervix.
He started yelling terms of endearment at a cheese sandwich. Then he tried to hump it.
I need a beard to bite.
Dude she passed out on the floor so you covered her with a blanket to make sure "no one would notice her"
And when she started moving around and making noises you told everyone, "it's okay, it's just my roomba under there".......
My boss asked me what was wrong today and I really wanted to tell her I woke up too late to smoke a bowl before coming in
Let me guess you did your hair instead? Has anyone told you about priorities?
Just found a pair of vomit-soaked socks in my purse, three days after the party... Now I know why my wallet was wet.
They were shocked that I could handle my liquor so well. I'm half Irish and half Russian. This is what I'm made for
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