Update from family reunion: my aunt Janet once got her legs stuck behind her head. The fire department had to be called.
You better drive. If I decide to let them talk me into a 3-way, I don't want you to be stranded.
While you were puking in the ocean I was rubbing your back saying "Just give it back to Mother Earth".
why does my status of facebook already read REHAB 2011
I made him sleep with a condom on and i passed out on the carpet with only a bra on.
Since you haven't talked to me since the rancid whipped cream fiasco, I'm going to assume we are no longer hooking up. But I need my handcuffs back. ASAP.
I guess our biggest consolation is that we haven't woken up in a hottub with a dead dude. Yet.
Look, opening a Guinness with a steak knife and nearly cutting your finger off to make another carbomb is always a good idea.
A group of drunk Marines just serenaded me, never leaving this place
Literally this kid just told me he's not planning to live past 30. Then he hit himself with a frying pan.
Definitely just poured my beer into a McDonald's cup so I could walk through Walmart without judgment. 'Murica.
He ate me out while I finished season 1 of Stranger Things. If that's not a modern day relationship goal, then I don't know what is.
I feel like I smell like bad decisions
I accidentally sent my mom a nude picture of my ass... she replied with how did you get that angle ?
A girl in McDonalds just asked if I was in here wasted a few nights ago throwing fries at the staff, I said it was my twin
We both know that wasn't me
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