I did that thing where I cum for no reason again.
Yeah got a self inflicted broken nose.
In conversation she brought up that she slept with Tucker Max on the UF football field
let me drop the bass on your empty vagina syndrome
My mom sucked on that joint like a nipple and she was a fucking newborn
I feel like every man should aspire to get a blowjob from a sword swallower.
I don't need my coworkers thinking I'm a nutcase.
You gift wrapped a tampon.
we told you you couldn't get your dick sucked because you were a girl and you yelled at us and said we were 'discriminating you'
dude, I felt like being high in a Santa hat and eating five boxes of cookies was right for today.
He told me I smelled like peanut butter, pepperoni, and pure unbrieldled passion.
She took me to ER. She says thought it was a squirtgun filled with vodka and she was 'marking me for later.' Thank god it's a flesh wound, and we're cool and going to date.
gtg, the cops are here
bitch, i have a flask. i've got things under control.
god. marry me.
I’m not spending 14 dollars on a margarita unless it’s rimmed with cocaine... actually do you have a blender?
I kicked down a wall in rage and found a door behind the drywall. Once again vandalism solves all my problems.
As your boyfriend, I'm gonna congratulate you on winning that fist fight. But as a cop, I have to tell you to not do that again.
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