dude you just took shreks wife home. what the fuck is wrong with you
when a bears hungry he eats besides shes got her nipples pierced
you were crying and the really sympathetic homeless man offered you a sip of his whiskey. who was i to stop you?
I hate when people uglier than me have girlfriends
Look, all I'm sayin is $2 boilermakers and an expense account are probably a bad mix…
The only thing that makes me want to stop the affair is that I am the Monica Lewinksy in this triangle.
ALTON JUST DID GRAVY SHOTS. THIS IS WHY HE'S MY HERO
Come back. She's looking through naked pics of his exes on his phone and questioning him about them and I'm too drunk to walk away.
Sign out of Gchat. Right now my gchat list is entirely girls I've slept with.. and you. You are fucking up my gchat chi.
Wait does semen show up on blood tests?
There was a slutty maid costume on the floor when I woke up, but the house was trashed. Either she's been fired or got promoted, I'm not sure which.
I just paid $10 for tinder plus so that I could change my location to Rio and match with Olympic Athletes
Putting a bow on your dick doesn't make it a real present
I just realized, you're dating a guy named Jameson. That is another level of whiskey dick.
He said I have the “Denzel Washington” of vaginas.
Pretty sure my aunt hooked up with one of my brothers frat brothers at his graduation party
Randomize
