the brownie started to kick in before i finished the essay... it became a race against my own increasing intoxication
he said I could live with him because I'm cheaper than a dog and don't need a pet deposit. That and I don't piss on the carpet...
Seriously. He was just sitting there naked in the dark with a boner pissed that I came home late.
Almost just got kicked out of a bar because the locals spilled beer everywhere when we taught them to shotgun.
omg just made cake vodka jello shots, sooooo excited
dear god these taste like death. death and sprinkles
It's a goat... but where the fuck did it come from?
Your favorite boobs are sending you seasons greetings
Your final is gonna be as easy for you as getting into straight girls' pants is for me.
He suffocated between her tits, but she didn't notice because he still came.
They sent him a photo of me smoking a bong whilst wearing the dinosaur head. I think that's the last we hear of his nonsmoking fitness freak ass 🤷🏼♀️
To be honest, the last time I saw him he had a jesus costume on telling people to pray to his bible.
So he's at the chuch?
No, hooters.
Totally reading about penis envy for my final exam
Just shaved my balls on a moving train. By far the most dangerous stunt I've ever pulled
Nothing ruins your day more than waking up to you dogs crotch in your face
I’ve jerked off three times and taken five shits already today. Being hung over in your 40’s is a fucking roller coaster.
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