I'm pounding a vodka drink as we speak to make her interesting
my mom just threw water on me to get me awake and is screaming "where is my fucking car?!"
you gave me a ride last nite what the hell did you do with it after you left me?
seems the shocker is way more shocking if u get the fingers wrong
I hid 4 bags of cocaine in your house. Have fun finding them
I'd say you were a shitshow. Playing floating beer pong in the pool you kept filling other people's cups with pool water and laughing to yourself.
i just got banned from the m&m's website for trying to get poon slayer written on my custom order
yeah she's crazy. she fought a possum in my alley because it was "being a cagey little cunt"
at any given day I am at least 60% invested in my work. today I am staggered around 3.5%
Are you vicariously golddigging through me?!
honestly the most stressful part of moving is the chance my mom will find my vibrator
Did you ever hear the story about the time I did blow in a bar bathroom with the #1 ranked golfer in the world?
i love how you, my friend, sends me a picture of herself wearing a shirt that says "i am dead inside" and i'm just like "awww baby you're so cute"
that's just solidarity
He’s going to a lawnmower race. I got a Brazilian and he’s racing a lawnmower race. Pick me up. I’m not wasting this waxing on John Deer
Every dick I’ve had or wanted in the last year is married. It’s like I became a professional home wrecker after I graduated.
My psychiatrist just sent me a dick pic
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