Dude why does my asshole itch so bad?
I'll teach you how to wipe better
Soo both my 8 year old sister and fuck buddy are named Sarah..
this can't be going anywhere good
nooope. guess which one i texted last nite to come over so i could "punish her pussy"? =\
I used a physics textbook to prop her up so she wouldn't choke on her vomit...see I have learned something from statics class.
Just saw a drunk guy clapping and cheering for a chipmunk climbing up a tree. Classic
So much for not drinking this week after this weekend.. Congratulations. U made it until tuesday.
Do you think that we can get a group discount on liver transplants? We'll be like kids again!
I don't even know what beauty is right now. I wouldn't even pity fuck me today.
In other news, someone I've had sex with won jeopardy last night.
I need to stop going to bars and yelling "I could be teaching your kids one day, bitches!"
I swear to god, my hangover cure is a green tea and a 15 minute twerkout. works every time
I went on a psycho cleaning spree so I feel I've earned the right to spend the day in bed watching porn and eating sausage biscuits. If you bring alcohol you can join me.
All other girlfriends are inferior. You are the chosen one.
I went shopping for a dress that was baptism and bar appropriate.
The man at the checkout said "Somebody's not fucking around".
It's gonna be a good night
The only thing I want for my birthday is a divorce from you.
I've never met a penis that didn't think I was awesome.
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