In all seriousness though I just found out the dog pissed in my bed it'd be nice to crash somewhere other than my couch while my piss soaked bedding is in the washer
That's when you crack a 10am beer
I'm a big fan of 2 things right now: 1) Gatorade and 2) the fetal position
6 figure salary? he just got a little cuter.
You were plastered and wouldn't stop telling this hot girl about your plan to graffiti a church in easter colored spray-paint saying that Jesus was a Zombie... she kept saying her father was a pastor...
We can't bring brittanys dog so we are getting high and getting in my bathtub I think it's pretty safe
Last night you made me help you pick the raisins out of a kashi bar and acted like it was the most important thing to ever happen to you or our friendship
So, it's been almost 3 months and and I still dont know her last name. That's gotta be a record.
I don't think he cares about your inhospitable uterus.
Just got a snapchat from him that was a video of with the caption "my new apartment" in Brazil. I think we might not be seeing eachother anymore.
you know that australian accents are like the bat signal to my vagina
It's not above me to sleep with him solely for his authentic budweiser shirt
I was mad at him...then I jerked off. Now I'm over it. Orgasms fix everything, I swear.
Just in case you blacked out, we had sex, you came in me, we need plan B, we fell off your top bunk, broke your roommates chair, i still like you, but i'm in pain and am going to bed
I dropped my slice of pineapple on the kitchen floor and was just staring at it about to cry. It was really good pineapple.
Randomize
