Dude, I just saw a bird vs. squirrel fight. A car won.
Fuck him. I'll set him on fire for you. Then we'll see how good of a firefighter he is.
Come find me please? Im in a ditch.
That doesn't help me much...
I'm right under the moon!
the only compliment i could think of for this chick was that she looked 'moderately attractive'
just spent the last 4 hours covering his room in sticky notes. Viva Drunk Thursdays.
Your doorknob is in my back seat, in case you were looking for it.
The bouncers kicked us out around 3 so we went to the grocery store flasks in hand and asked them to turn up their music...
Im in the bathtub drunk. Less than an hour before the interview. This will be the best or worst career move ever., support?
Siri just reminded me to pickup Plan B
You are like the only girl I know who tells their booty call to go find another girl just cause you want more sleep.
dude, we need a reunion soon, my vagina needs a deep massage. The kitty is ready to play
You know you're high when, "Why can't I steal the duck?!" Becomes a serious question.
well it was great until i saw his anime body pillow
I jus want to remember tomorrow how proud I was tonight for wearing my rainbow leggings as a long sleeved shrug I feel like fucking MacGuyver
He sent me the milestone first dick pic this morning, it looked like a baby's fist holding a tree trunk. I'm frightened and aroused in equal measure.
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