Hello rock bottom. My name is Jared. Nice to meet you.
which gay bar do you need a ride home from?
you were passed out in your cheese fries by the time he brought out your second order of french toast.
My last google search was 'bulk asian wives' I don't know either
Made a vodka juice box out of a ziploc bag and a straw for when I drive. Doesn't count as an open beverage container anymore.
That's like being smoked out by a unicorn. If the opportunity presents itself you fucking do it and don't ask questions.
We had sex in the bathroom. Good sex. Toilet breaking sex.
I like that you're Jewish, because you can rail me on Christmas Eve and it won't be weird.
My ideal friend would be my dog as a drug dealer
It's a little weird that I'm blowing my wingman.
I actually had to apologize for "being too aggressive about harry potter"
conclusion from last night: i should wear boob glitter more often
...and if you can get the necessary ingredients to make the Buffalo Chicken Melt, I will latch forever at your Teat of Justice.
My sinuses still burn from snorting red wine last night.
I don't think there's a ladylike way to tell this guy I want to sit on his face
We can use the Mac n cheese as the potatoes in our breakfast burritos. Problem solved.
Randomize
