i just used a pokemon card to do blow. i need an adult. now.
She just got back from rehab. You dont celebrate that with margaritas.
Thank you for holding my vodka while the police let me ride their horse.
just watched paranormal activity stoned. laughed the whole time and screamed when they turned on the lights. eating doritos. I love my life
hapi new year, hope this year brings u happiness and lots of sexi people ;)
stop writing like that.
Just saw the new iPhone. I would totally let Steve Jobs and Jon Ive eiffel tower me right now.
Saw my boss's vagina at that party. Hung over at work has never been more acceptable
The worst that could happen is you end up with a black eye and I get laid.. I'm okay with my end of that bargain.
To be fair, I'm probably one of the better candidates for the role of 'baby daddy' in this town
He took my virginity but also my remaining pizza. i dont know how to feel right now.
You ever fart so hard while you are asleep that you wake up screaming?
He follows more cats on Instagram then he does girls.. That's how you know your boyfriend is whipped.
Yes, if by 'finishing my business' you mean vomiting in her bathtub and losing my watch.
He offered to take me to my appointment after breakfast then kind of just sat there and watched me get a papsmier. Most awkward first date ever.
Idk what y'all are doing but I just want you to know I'm home and if I hear him say "slap it" one more time I'm moving out
Randomize
