I think my guts just had a chinese fire drill
my little brother just told me that I should start chasing my vodka with slim fast. genious.
one of the cashiers from Kroger is eating at my kitchen table and nobody knows why.
I'm pretty sure that I'm earning a horrible reputation with your friends, but I'm having a fucking great time in the process.
1.) You left the rest of your whiskey here 2.) I drank your whiskey 3.) then made a steam roller out of the bottle 4.) Everything tastes like whiskey
It probably isn't a good idea to go home with last night's hookup's brother. And sister.
Probably is probably an understatement.
You know Im horny if Im walking around in my lingerie and sex robe. It's my field of dreams mentality. If I wear it, he will come.
I haven't gotten it in awhile but since spring break is next week I'm willing to have a pregnancy scare if it means no bleeding through the suit
Yeah wouldn't want it to interfere with beach sex. Nothing should interfere with beach sex
Seeing your one night stand on campus never gets less awkward. Why is Subway the only good place to eat?
I heard them banging and it sounded like he was trying to stuff a fucking coconut into her
Bourbon is too strong for my cat, he does not want to drink it
I don't even have his number. I have his pants tho
I drunkenly texted ur dad last night telling him he raised great kids hahahahaha
I JUST FARTED SO LOUD AND HARD I IMMEDIATELY TASTED IT
i opened the door and you were passed out on my doorstep wearing ugly shorts and cuddling a pinnapple, i dont know what happened to you.
Randomize
