Last night, my friend changed all my contacts in my phone. I have been texted by Batman, Donatello, and Hermione Granger. I have no idea who they are, and it doesn't upset me at all.
somehow I got talked into dressing up like a hot dog, spinning around ten times, and shooting lay ups in front of thousands of students
I've come to realize sober is a rare time of the day.
Those two lesbians inspired me. A whole new way to roll. Fuck shots. Gallons of vodka is the new tequila.
He played pinball with my ovaries. He won.
Gina was bawling her eyes out and then she ran into the street and peed. she kept screaming "LOOK WHAT YOUVE DONE TO ME"
He set two of my ex boyfriends on fire at two different bars without anyone knowing it was him or how it happened either time. He might be a fucking super hero
I mean, they were small fires and no one got hurt, but still. Awesome.
You fucked that MILF against my car!
How would you know?
She scratched her name into my window with her bigass wedding ring. btw she wants you to call her
What!? It's 7:30am on gameday. This keg is not going to drink itself.
This drunk lesbian I just met keeps trying to shove sushi in my mouth. Help.
In 2014 only three boys have seen my boobs so far
looked up people from my old yearbooks. 3 ex boyfriends are gay. im getting drunk now.
You poured a bottle of water into the salad bowl and said "bowls are a joke" and then poured it into your lap.
I'm just gonna back away slowly and come back when there's less weird crap.
Truth be told it's significantly easier to get over someone when they file a police report on you
Randomize
