R you on birth control?
No, why?
...no reason
she just sneezed while going down on me. is it rude for me to ask her to do it again?
he farted when he came. not the best ending to my day.
Everytime I cough, my tampon falls out a little bit. Does this mean I'm loose?
Mom just texted me to see if it was you who was streaking at the Mariner game... Did you accept yet another $1 bet?
Some girl, somewhere, is going to wake up with my face paint on her vagina
She is banging on the liquor store door begging them to let her come in.
I like how he had to correct himself in stating that I was the fat one in the threesome.
My hands always smell like pizza crust when im hungover.
I ended up in a bathroom giving my hymen a pep talk
I threw my shoes out of frustration and walked home barefoot... can you help me find my shoes in the morning
Have you ever wanted to murder the Sun? To bring the life-giving fusion reactor to a bitter end because of the sheer agony it brings to your eyes as it keeps you awake. And for waking the birds. Fuck birds.
Thrres cinnamon everywgte. Plead cine get me
I have a cheeseburger in my purse and im going to fill her prescription for narcotics. Who thought i was responsible enough to sign her discharge papers?
Just found a handle of Tito's in my TV stand
Can't recall when I put that there, but let's goooo
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