3:12 am: but i thought i was coming over tonight, don't fall asleep i wore new underwear
The cops found weed in michael jacksons house today...it makes up for the child molesting, I like him more now.
he was screaming in a recently acquired accent that he paid for delivery and they could cancel the entire order if they didn't come upstairs
I thought you said it was going to get worse not hilarious.
the delivery boy turned out to be my students mother. now she knows that i have incredibly low standards AND thanks to the fact that he still has dialup the pizza tracker was way off and she rang the bell and he answered mid bong rip.
he made a joke about you fucking his daughter...i think youre golden
I do what I can to inject something into your life every day. Today, humor. Saturday. Penis.
All the girls at the party had American flag thongs on... Pretty impressed with coordination seeing as how impromptu this event was
At one point I was giving him a handjob and I started singing Call Me Maybe
I apparently used the line "I'm a bouncer too so i would know if I were too drunk" then they asked me to leave.
I woke up on a navy base in a different time zone. I'm never leaving tallahassee again.
My gynaecologist hit my g-spot today by accident and for some reason I went "at least someone found it" VERY AWKWARD
you showed up at my door at 3am, handed me a bag of cold chicken nuggets and said "lead me to the non-irish Siobhans," do YOU think you were tripping?
Monday funday. I brushed my teeth with antibacterial soap. hangover I did not have.
I got poked in the eye with a penis last night. How's your day?
IN OTHER NEWS did you guys see Orlando Bloom's penis today? I did
IT'S PERFEFT
... what?
HIS DICK. IT'S PERFECT. BYE.
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