I thought I was riding a bike, but I guess it was a vacuum cleaner
I'm so drunk I cant read cursive anymore.
the number of months ive had a girlfriend in my life divided by the number of blowjobs ive gotten is extremely depressing...
So we sucessfully lit our bathtub on fire. Thought you should know.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I just realized I'm gonna get paid at midnight on New Years Eve. That could be dangerous.
Note to self: when drunk try to remember that ctrl, alt and dance doesnt exist on a keyboard.
I should never bitch about not getting laid. He's begging me to come over and I'm saying no because I'm watching a Golden Girls marathon.
I buy you gas. You blow me. Economics.
I drank myself into bisexuality again.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
We were making condiment sandwiches, then her husband kept trying to get me to sleep with her. I hate being the only lesbian at the party.
Either I'm tripping balls or my dog has super powers.
She could makes a perfectt roast dinner drunk but she nearly sets the kitchen alight microwaving popcorn.
I have walked into stripper central, but I'm on the street at 1:00 in the afternoon
this case of pbr just wont end. i keep finding more.
I'm going to three dry weddings this month. I'm flashing three dry weddings this month
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