I called him Han Solo during sex, he looked at me like he was mortified then I realized he came.
Mom is telling us about the time she drank her own breast milk. Help.
Miserable. My projectile vomit just woke me up from a 5.5 hour nap.
omg he fucking fingered me this morning. and i was just like this is the most awkward alarm clock ive ever had
I left myself a trail of jello shots, that ended at his door. OR maybe he left me a trail of jello shots at his door. DO I GO IN!?
We're in the kiddy pool eating marshmellows and drinking wine out of a box. Please dress casual.
Dude. Why is there a hamster in my pocket? WHAT THE FUCK WAS IN THAT JOINT
IM FEEDING MY CAT ALL THE HAM
He's carved the words "SLAM STATION" into his headboard...
Why did I puke in my shower caddy last night
Got it in all night, now at a bar at 730 am and we are the only two people here. Somewhere my mid twenties father is applauding me.
As he was cumming he yelled "Yahtzee" then said im free to go. Thats my one night stand
My previously white toilet seat is now hot pink. I'm not sure why or how but I know it's your fault.
You came home screaming the lyrics to Drunk in love, and dumped wine on me when I said you would never be Beyoncé
lol show me an arrest record and I'll drop my panties
Randomize
