dude, I'm watching paul blart mall cop. I have better things to do than listen to you whine about your recent divorce.
You tried to tell me you weren't high while you were eating French onion dip out of the jar with a spoon
Yeah he had his two razors labeled "face" and "pubes". Should I be disgusted or impressed?
I tried douching with a turkey baster. Not the brightest idea.
that ring i bought was worth the 6 bucks. wore it to the bar, told some girl i was recently divorced and wasnt ready to take it off. just got laid. THRICE.
Our neighbors just passed us a blunt from their deck, and are hooking us up.
I just baked them cookies. We're friends now.
Let's play, "guess how long my Neighbours have been watching me dance naked".
You would think a husband, a boyfriend, and a vibrator would be enough. But sadly it's not
Sorry about my life...
You keep making the old jokes & I'm gonna come down with a sudden case of low-estrogen related vaginal dryness..
He put his SoundCloud on his Tinder bio. I felt personally attacked.
I brought her cheeseburgers and tequila but she's still mad at me.
I realized just how much my daughter is MINE when I heard her tell someone "Go shit yourself" yesterday.
It's very disconcerting to wake up and she is gone. I never know where she could be. It's like playing wheres Waldo but Waldo could potentially be drunk and wandering around in weird places that normal Waldo's don't go.
I'm too depressed to drink my wine. That is what I would call a serious problem
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