I swear I am going to pee, wipe my vag with my hand, and then slap you in the face with it.
my sisters under your porch take her home
This is random, but did i give u a handjob in the middle of the night or was that a dream?
WHATEVER CLASS IS PLAYING "TOOT IT AND BOOT IT" AT 8:30 IN THE MORNING, I WANT IN.
He said hes taking shrooms and watching jurassic park so we're making a t-rex costume
we need ur ladder
I think I'm going to make a pina klonopin before class.
This weekend was suppose to be a 'smoke weed and stare at things' weekend. Not a 'spend all my rent money partying with Europeans till 8 am' weekend
Yeah but those French chicks did get naked
Boy did I ever crash and burn on the pickled egg pick up line.
I just want to pat him on the head, bake him some cookies, and reassure him that, someday, he will get laid.
Just heard a girl ask "Wait you're not my boyfriend?!" to a guy wearing the Mickey to her Minnie Mouse on my way home. Made me feel better about myself.
My roommate fed me my birth control pill while I was hungover laying on the couch so that's how my morning has been
I don't really feel bad about it, but I legit just squirted in the back of an Uber and it makes me think how many times has this happened before?!?!
You need to finger her with the Spock hand sign since she loves Star Trek.
Excuse you? I'm an asshole at least 90% of the time. Get it right.
I'm really sorry I called you a "smug, arrogant, boyfriend-fucking piece of defecation". I was super drunk.
I was going to be mad, but then I remembered you don't use autocorrect and spelled everything correctly and I was kinda impressed.
Randomize