I woke up this morning and "The Wood" was on tv. Touche TBS, touche.
Nights of college: 1. Virgins: 1. Yes.
Let's get back to talking about you giving me a blow job.
i just remembered i chipped my tooth last night when i pulled up your pants zipper with my teeth
Also, I guess I made friends with the guy who caught me peeing behind a bush.
Why did I just find out you and Andrew had sex right next to my face when I passed out on the beach?
At the time it seemed romantic and its also extremely frowned down upon to leave a passed out person by themselves in an unfamiliar place.
Why did I wake up by myself then?
I'm going to crush up my last 7 Percocets into a fine powder and toss my popcorn in it.
Being hungover in this office is the actual worst. Like they look at me and know I was wasted at 1 am, karaokeing Billy Idol at a gay bar.
HOCKEY BUTTS AND BASEBALL BUTTS HONESTLY DO SOMETHING TO ME
Today one of my patients offered me pot brownies. Medical school worth it. Living the dream.
Truth be told it's significantly easier to get over someone when they file a police report on you
lets face it, we have a liquor cabinet with a designated chocolate shelf
You handed me your heels and said, "barefoot running is all the rage." Then you proceeded to run home.
I’m gonna stop you right there. The last time you had a “brilliant” idea, I woke up to my kitchen covered in flour and a javelin through my tv.
Do you ever just want to be mashed potatoes?
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