I just counted my steps so I know when you start looking for you on my way back from the bathroom
You know how us drunks love counting steps
who knew that a girl that let me piss on her within 20 minutes of meeting her would get upset i couldn't remember her name.
Honestly, I don't care if the only reason she gave me her beer was because she was bisexual and wanted to touch my vagina. Beer is beer.
she's lying on the floor with a bottle of vodka, belting shakira. plz advise.
Woke up in a wet suit with my junk cut out. In a strange apartment. Just found thing biggest bong u have ever seen. WHERE ARE YOU?!?!?!
Yea there's blood all over the porch but we wont have to buy alcohol for the rest of the week
I peed on his girlfriend's loofah during our post-sex shower.
It was like die hard. Except with more penises.
Well according to all the calls, texts, and Facebook messages, I threw up on you guys last night.
Tonight I plan on passing out fully clothed on the table. I don't know where normal people plan on sleeping.
I'm 99% sure I just flashed my dad with my vagina. So that's the new low now.
yes, i'm a douce. but i'm a high quality douche.
when u match a guy bc he's from Oregon & he's trying to flirt, shut up i just want to talk about trees
Failing this, see a doctor for elephant tranquillisers, to be taken with whiskey orally, twice at dawn.
Did you clean my apartment?
I thought it was a dream, I'm sorry
Please stay more often
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