I like to think that tonight was Jesus punishing James Cameron for his role in popularizing "My Heart Will Go On."
dressing as green man for st patrick's day = free drinks all night long
Hey. Hope youre not too hungover. Also, did you put a Christmas tree in my guest bathroom and cover it with condoms?
It just hurt to pee because he was fingering for fucking gold in there.
Quick question, how many times can you get chlamydia before your vagina just gives up and falls off?
Sorry for locking you out after accusing you of eating my Skittles... I realized I was mistaken after just throwing up the rainbow.
He's going to let me keep his bowl in my car. Does that make us Facebook official?
Can't you just imagine you've grudge fucked me so we can get past this?
I'm on the bus, watching a girl shush her balloons.
I'm almost too hungover to function. Got into the wrong car by mistake. there was a rotweiler in it. Thank god he was more confused than i was for a minute.
Is there like a dick file on me? Guys can't hold two dicks anymore?! Who are you people????
Yay! Also. When you're coming down eat waffles and touch yourself. You won't regret it.
"Don't bang the neighbor, don't bang the neighbor, don't bang the neighbor..." he chanted helplessly
He passed away peacefully doing what he loved to do best. Eating a pound of vodka gummy worms and failing at sex and the city trivia.
Oh god I just had an orgasim riding my bike. I need to get laid pronto.
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