Considering that my ex-wife dumped me to become a lesbian, the Universe owes me a threesome.
been sitting in chapter for 25 minutes. drinking last night's franzia out of a XXX vitamin water 10 bottle. recruitment chair has no idea. life is good.
There are GROWN MEN with fake HP wands flinging curses at me in Walmart.
That's funny. Are they weird looking???
OF COURSE THEY ARE WEIRD LOOKING, THEY ARE STALKING ME IN WALMART. WITH. FAKE. WANDS.
First day of class and I'm in a bar drinking pitcher #3. Foreshadowing?
I offered to buy ihop waffles for all the homeless people outside the metro. It was time to go to bed.
i should probably stop thinking with my vagina, and start using that $70, 000 education i can't afford. what the fuck.
For only eating leftover pizza for breakfast today, you sure do have a lot to vomit up...
she visited to give me a bj between clients. Social work at its finest.
You peed on someones bathroom floor while saying people are rude for not flushing
My new hobby is moving his stuff to random places in the house. Good luck making a smoothing at 6:30 in the morning, the blender top's in the dog food container
That moment when you see yourself in a security camera feed and realize you forgot a bra. And pants.
Sure go ahead and start this 'business' with him...just don't come crying to me when you have to fake your own death in two years
Uhmmmm is there really any way to tactfully ask "you into me jerking you off with my feet... or nah" cause if you find one let me know 😂
someone just "made it rain" kraft processed sliced cheese. i forgot what it was like to be home...
so i went to the bathroom and my thong was on sideways... i guess that solves the mystery
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