My Higher Power is John Stamos
you lied vaginas dont taste like gold fish!
noo i said youre golden if her vagina tastes like fish!
we were spooning and you were the big spoon but you insisted that I call you "the ladle"
because whats more american than sleeping with a westpoint cadet on the 4th of july?
I told myself this year would be different, I wouldn't get "pee in a fish tank drunk".. Got to the girls house... Fish tank in her room.. 2 years in a row.. had to keep the tradition going
i tried to knight her with my dick. she said it was unromantic. what an ungrateful attitude for a knight.
Who replies to a drunk text at 6am that's like against the rules of being a designated drunk text receiver
I'm spending tomorrow with her. What should my ridiculous personal goal be? I've already got a blowjob while eating a cupcake
Debating whether the Plan B I had this morning would go under breakfast or lunch in my food log.
of course we called 911. an innocent mans booze was at steak
Damn you. I'm in a bar with Southern Jesus Fearing Blah Blah Rednecks WHO ARE PROBABLY VOTING FOR TRUMP and you go radio silent.
Remind me to NEVER AGAIN mix beer with tequila with beer with whiskey with vodka with rum with vodka.
It took me longer to jump start my car and get to his house than the fucking actually took.....
I took out a life ins. policy Thursday. It's okay I can die in Nashville now.
So do you guys remember Danny from Tinder?
Sorry I only remember personality traits, not names.
Randomize
