I've decided that I only have enough money to either eat or drink over the next month. I'm sure you know what choice I've made.
we went to the store to buy cookie dough and conditionally went straight towards the booze
She asked me why I was wearing a Batman Suit. Have I ever needed a reason to wear a Batman Suit?
She's gonna be fat in the future. On a side note I had a "It's not you, it's me." conversation with a bottle of jack last night.
he's got a countert top full of yard sale blenders so id say maragita wednesdays is a go.
Congratulations, you fucked a nickle into me.
Experimentation with dessert toppings followed by shower sex. Only logical progression bro.
I just peed behind the dumpster and dedicated it to you. Can i call u?
they still hired me even though my background check came back with a warrent for my arrest.
It was awful. Mid hookup he started reading the titles of the books over my bed, which were about Russian imperial history. He then started asking me questions about the class I was reading the books for. I was like "WE HAVE TIME FOR THAT LATER, PLEASE CONTINUE."
Accidentally gagged on my toothbrush and puked up a Walgreen's cheeseburger. 1) I am not going to be on top of my game tonight. 2) Since when do I have a gag reflex? 3) Walgreen's cheeseburgers are awesome.
She was the shot vending machine at the party. But free.
He was like Sweeney Todd... But, without the killing people part.
So... He's a barber?
No. He's got crazy hair, and a revenge fetish. But he's hot. Does that make up for it?
Binging muscle relaxers because when ur 33 you can no longer SHAKE IT LIKE A POLAROID PICTURE for 2hrs w/o consequences. Fuck you, Age.
You were arrested in a tiara again... maybe you shouldn’t wear one.
Randomize
