everytime i eat a fruit i feel like i'm eating ovaries
Saying he's good in bed would be like saying Soulja Boy is a good rapper, completely unlogical if you've heard him.
Well my dea agent brother is visiting so I'm gonna get high and see if he notices
Ya,, he does have virgin eyes. Thats a real thing you know...
He said I was cute and he handed me a stuffed bear from his car. I don't care that he was 80, I named it Hector.
Nothing says "welcome to Denver" like a hot 18 year old giving you directions to the dispensary and ending up blowing you in the backseat
Just resonded to a booty call with "how much effort is required on my part?" I think I've finally reached the point of smoking too much pot
I'm sitting on my couch eating a bag of marshmallows and watching someone run bare ass down the street. What has happened to my life?
Watching this game makes me realize that we have yet to do Skype shots. What kind of long distance alcoholics are we?
I have a 30 pack and enough condoms to last until tomorrow morning. Have Mystery Science Theater 3000 ready. I'm on my way over.
He was feeling me up but acting like he was asleep. Like WTF does that mean??
The girl in the hotel room next to us walked out at the same time as me this morning. She just shook her head, looked at me and said, "faker." Is it that easy to tell?!??
We couldnt find you anywhere and when you finally answered your phone all you said was "im safe"
My apartment stinks of burning failure
Thanks for driving us home last night. Also, blanket apology for anything I may have said/done. I blacked out sometime near the t-shirt cape incident
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