Some 6 yr old girl just got on my plane in St. Louis. She was wearing an I Love Canada shirt. She eyed the seat next to me and I stared her straight in the eyes and shook my head. Fuck her. Fuck canada.
toilet paper cling ons are not as adorable as the little red cub makes them look on the charmin commercials.
It doesn't count as drinking alone if you're making rum cake with it.
All I know is that we apparently made a drink we named The Single Girl which is rum, vodka, grain alcohol, and sprite and rolled around in the backyard.
its safe to say i can delete the contact in my phone "brandon random bus make out" from spring break right?
You'd think somebody who rolls blunts like jesus himself could roll a god damn burrito
All I remember is waking up with 3 penises pointed at my face. I also remember enjoying that a lot. And then I threw up in their shower.
I threw up for like 20 hours. Im gonna be the DD for the next 5 years.
I woke up with a stapler in my ass. Don't even complain to me.
He carried you out but the best part is you kept saying "can't I keep dancing" as you were gushing blood
Idk I wanna make it till midnight but I also want tequila
In other news, just had to pluck an ingrown pub with the pliers from my multi tool while sitting on the toilet at work.
I’m going to cut back. New Year, New Me
I would never wish less dick on anyone but do what you gotta do
How in the fuck did you get LIVE MOTHER FUCKING BATS!?!?! Into my ROOM last night????
I literally blew him under my face mask. Not because I thought it'd protect me from COVID, but because I wanted to prove to myself that I could.
Randomize
