I feel miserable, can't drink that much when I go out
We've been saying that since '98
We had to be out of the dorms at 730. Meeting started at 8. I woke up at 948. Drunk and covered in glitter.
you need to know that there is a kid here wearing an i mosh for Jesus shirt
A good ear swabbing is more orgasmic than sex with him
he's listed in a fb relationship with a girl born in 1993. i'm too drunk to do the math on that one, but i am sober enough to know that's illegal
Dubbing lion king over planet earth. That stoned.
Hi Jessica this is Jessica and I am texting you and were taking lime shots and it's fantastic and I broke your elbow and I love you xo
He kept telling me that something was trying to enter this dimension from another universe through his spine...
it's not like this is the first time she's brought a guy home and I'm the one who hooks up with him
I need you to help me convince Steph that she will like Tequila if she would chase it with A-1
I was fed cake in bed and then was pinned down and ridden till I came. And then fed more cake. I'm going to marry Brad. I'll put money on it.
I'm just to the point my give a fucks is so far in the red that I'm going to have to take out a 30yr loan of fucks to repay it
How do you explain to your kids that you met their mother well you were giving her a gynecological exam??
He told us a story about a time his 80 year old uncle karate chopped a dick in a glory hole.
I just watched a squirrel take down a snake,life isn't so bad after all.
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