dude do u know what u did last night?
do i wanna know???
you totally walked in on some couple fuckin in their unlocked dorm room asking for directions to ur room...
I just saw grafitti that read "Mug The Fart Eater". Really, Memphis? That's all you've got?
I enjoy that i have a whole shelf of clothes that I've accumulated from random sex. You know the ones you get to make the morning after look less awkward like similar to an athletes trophy shelf
I was just walking down the hall and passed a very pregnant girl wearing a shirt that said "blame it on the aaaaaa-alcohol." I can't decide if she's brilliantly witty or just pointing fingers.
It's only slutty when someone else does it. It's okay if it's us though
She just kept screaming you name over and over. Im starting to think this is my alarm clock
Apparently I whispered "Jesus was here" and bailed out of the moving taxi.
Is she still in your room?
Not for long. My plan is to smoke her out like a small woodland creature.
I let a drunk, gay man in a dragon costume motor-boat me. With his dragon head.
Sorry I got completely naked in your bed, but I feel our friendship has grown because of it.
I woke up at 3:30 this morning to pee. Luckily, I didn't have to travel far as I was asleep in my CLOSET on my yoga mat. Good news is I had a pillow...
He wants to pour butter pecan flavored coffee creamer on me and lick it off. I'm like, dude, gross. French Vanilla ok? Ugh.
it was an ACCIDENT
it was a DICK
GIIIIRL I AM STONED AF AND I HAVE A HOMEMADE POT PIE IN THE OVEN THIS PARTY IS LIT.
The walk of shame was so much longer today. i have to start fucking guys in my own postcode.
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