Michael Bay diarrhea
I just went in my fridge and said to my turkey "see you thursday". I seriously have issues
I feel like I could be a daytime drinking legend, like they could put that shit on my tombstone and right now your preventing me from reaching my full potential
she just walked in and said "well, I got peed on again"...
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
She was giving you that "I really want to blow you but I have to act professional" look. Guaranteed
Finished watching the entire first season of mighty morphing power rangers. Now I have nothing. Not even a life.
BECKY! ITS ANDY FROM LAST NIGHT WITH THE PILL
Andy, Sorry you have the wrong number. But good luck with Becky!
Since I fall down so much at parties I've started doing this new thing where when I fall I just yell FLOOR PARTY and make people bring the party to me
I woke up today in my boxers hugging a log and realized that I think I've gotten close enough to nature. I really need to stop doing shrooms with you
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Do you think dominoes pizza would deliver faster if I told them I just had shower sex and that always makes me hungry?
There's times when I need to be plowed... and I'm ashamed to admit auto correct was able to predict that entire sentence.
So, Cheetos don't microwave great.
Okay, the good news, found Jared, all IDs accounted for, Jack is meeting us at yours with your requested the delivery. The bad news: Lost Alice, banned from Stages, possibly fucked my TA in the bathroom.
That means I have to put pants on. That is not something I am willing to do right now.
I'm drinking because I just started here and every single person I work with wants to quit and when I asked a coworker how she's doing she literally just started crying.
Randomize