you guys were way drunker than both of me
i had to take my roommates dildo out of her suitcase so I could use it
the suitcase or the dildo?
I just found a bagel and a condom in my coat pocket. I love blackouts
Well he's not a stripper, so we're already doing better than my last date.
I'm just gonna ignore the fact that I have no pants on and find a way home. A good one-nighter never goes back for his pants.
Well at least it wasn't the first time I threw up out of a second story window
The ideal thing to do next party is to tape my boobs down so they don't knock over the pong cups while playing defense. They came back to hurt us this time
I just need a text that says "put that food down bitch" and then maybe I'll lose water weight through tears
I have one of those hangovers where you visualize how awesome it would be to climb in your fridge and drink glacier water
RE-DICK-YOU-LUSSSSS
That's me emphasizing the ridiculous
I thought this guy walking back to the dorms with his black laundry bag was walking a black flamingo I'm not even kidding I had to take a break on a bench after that.
You're my favorite person
Cheers to being single today. There's an entire box of franzia with my name on it.
I can't tell if this is a hangover or just a perfect combination of shame and regret
you know you're drunk when you start breaking down your body composition into organic molecules
Oh Jesus our whore days are numbered
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