My sheets look like a crime scene.
i went to disney world today with my friends, met snow white, then saw her later at a bar. she is naked next to me in her bed, passwed out. when you wish upon a star...
Fake titties should be able inflate and deflate like tires. So on Saturday you can put on your Double D hooker titties or Sunday put on your size B church tits.
$1 pitcher night should be outlawed.
On the one hand, she would be the biggest mistake of my year. On the other hand, she's here and drunk.
The only way I made it through work was reminding myself how many margaritas per hour I was making
There is a pink thong attached to a bottle of svedka hanging from my ceiling fan..is this yours?
found a rock and smashed the sliding glass door. home safe. screen door is locked so we're good.
Shit dude that sort of wholesale destruction can't just be done at the drop of a hat
I just hooked up with the same bartender my dad cheated on my mom with in the 90s. Not sure how this makes me feel.
family traditions my good sir
I was at the pharmacy picking up my herpes medication and the pharmacist asked if I had any questions about my medicine, looked at the bottle, and laughed. Insult to injury man.
There is a drunken, assless white chick here at this bar wearing a shirt that says "REAL WOMEN TWERK FOR JESUS". I have officially had it with our generation.
Under no circumstances is tits McGee to make that kind of decision about my life!
I'm recovering from the blowjob...She's doing her taxes...
Oh shit. My bra is undone and I'm pretty sure I peed on my sandal
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