Who would have guessed that ordering a vodka lemonade at Roscoe's was code for I want a hand job
You know you're true friends when you can talk about what sexual diseases you may or may not have.
Literally I thought my ears were pouring out blood. That high.
She said I was the most selfish person in bed she's ever been with and she's fucked Tucker Max.
Also- bikini mowing was a horrible idea. One truck just drove by 3 times, turning around at the end of the block each time. My tan may be better for it but my conscience has been raped.
You can wear my underwear. It'll be like old times.
Ugh..Yesterday was a complete alcohol fueled shit show. Not making eye contact with anyone today. Don't deserve it. Eye contact is for decent people.
Can I just say I love the fact that were in business with guys where I can write a hand job up hoes down text message
WHAT IS PROPER BONG ETIQUETTE FOR WHEN YOU'RE ALONE IN YOUR BATHTUB AND CRYING?
They're playing house music in my dentists office again, wtf is wrong with these people. That's not the music you want to get a root canal to
I'm not sure what step "make amends" is, but my phone is on
Dad got stoned the other day and bought us potty training seats for when we have children
I was so high. I had so much hair. It was like all my hair follicles exploded.
He was really cute! And I know but it's just like getting my fix ya know? He's basically a human vibrator.
Puked in my purse on my Uber ride home last night. Safe to say it's not a good idea to beer bong a whole bottle of wine.
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