Dude, I woke up in the middle of the night and your room mate was just standing there at the foot of the bed, watching us sleep.. you don't remember me shaking the shit out of you to tell you this?!
This could explain the reason why I've been finding his clothing and keys scattered in random parts of my room..
AND THIS DOESN'T WORRY YOU?!
i'm pretty sure god just pointed at me and laughed
can someone explain to me why i woke up under a twister sheet
so either half this theatre is as stoned as me, or day daybreakers is hilarious
Her vagina smelt so bad I lied and told her that I was married just so that she would leave.
Alright. I will breast feed the first person to get here.
Walking down the street trying to find the pants I had on last night
I feel like fucking him is something we all do but don't want to admit to. like masturbating or peeing in the shower
can we get vodka so I have an excuse for being an emotional wreck
I wish I was a power ranger. Also the universe is immense. Like it never ends. Never.
This morning on my way to work I saw a guy ride his bike straight into a woman and her dog while trying to light a bowl. Thought of you.
SO HELP ME GOD THERE IS A SPIDER IN THIS PIZZA. IT IS VERY SMALL IT IS INSIDE THE CRUST AND IT IS ALIVE. I'M SO HUNGRY DO I KEEP EATING
Sorry I called bc I needed help peeing outside
But I did it
He walked into the bar with a pillow and put his head down...nuff said
I’m not spending 14 dollars on a margarita unless it’s rimmed with cocaine... actually do you have a blender?
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