Who tried to make mustard cubes with the ice cube tray?
around noonish you got carried out for spitting water and throwing cups at old people...
She just sent me a picture of a heart. I need to stop fucking freshman...
I just saw fred flintstone in my fruity pebbles!
what drugs are you on?
none, cept for the pain medication i got prescribed by the doc: it said 2 pills every 3 hours, but I took 6 cuz i'll be away from home later
I drunk wandered into my parents bed and slept between them
You left me with no money to have random Chicago sex. The least you can do is pick me up an egg mcmuffin on your walk of shame back to the hotel.
like a dude with a badge in a golf cart is gunna do shit. Unless he has a tazer. Then it's fair game.
I dislocated my rib eating pizza. I think I am broken.
I took shots of absinthe with my mom just now. Except awful things.
I think my staff loses a little bit of respect for me every time you're in town. I may have to puke at work ...again.
I'm gunna send you baby bottles of vodka for those nights when you just give up
What would you do if your asshole suddenly made the sound of a sheep duck baa/quacking the words kill me
You are so incredibly one of a kind, it's astounding
Just cried because I'm out of oreos. This post-molly depression can go fuck itself.
Do not buy a prego test at the Walgreens you frequent. It's awkward. Just trust me.
Her tits are so fantastic they gave him a panic attack.
Randomize
