Guess who is high enough to buy Jingle All The Way?
I think it's safe to say me, swords and vodka can never be aloud in the same room again.
My Grampa even called her out for being a cock block at the bar...it was that serious
My bed became a clown car for his family....I'm not ready to get married
The bar owner gave me permission to push people into the pool. I'm never going to leave Los Angeles
I have to stop envisioning penises as dragons.
We literally just Chinese fire drilled so I could give him road head.
I just want to let it be known that I almost put my phone in the fridge.
You never know how much you love your bed until you sleep with 4 other people in your car.
My fake id got more birthday sex than I've had in my life.
I don't even fuck like that, he just happened to be in the right place at the right drunk.
Your mother may get texts again about women putting dog food up their vaginas and asking for it to be licked.
My roommate fed me my birth control pill while I was hungover laying on the couch so that's how my morning has been
Having sex with him is like eating mayo. Don't think about it, just do it. It's worth it.
all i know is that i woke up at 12:00 am in a shower with egg shell in my hair. i am 90% sure you are responsible.
Randomize
