If you're gonna cry pregnant again I'm not coming over.
the EMT asked how you broke your nose and you said, "you know, the usual wear and tear."
I told him I'd rather have sex with his father last night. I'll admit now that I was drunk.
then she said she was half-a-virgin and that she would appreciate it if i would finish what her old booty call started
Just walked in on my older brother getting a bj. He told the girl to "keep going" and then attempted to high five me
Learned a valuable life lesson last night. It's titled "Tequila: Still A Bad Idea".
I wish you would stop telling everyone that your cock turned me into a Bears fan.
This is most sickening thing I've ever seen, and I threw up my body weight in jello shots on my birthday.
Look bro I'll go half per boob with you, we split her.
Good morning love! Friendly reminder that we decided to make leggings with a vagina zipper. "For the winter quickie"
I'm at the nutcracker high as shit. It's so beautiful. I cried.
Glass of stolen champagne in a to go cup = tastiest hangover cure ever
I literally just ordered a gold medal online that is engraved with his name, "01.01.16", and "BEST SEX EVER"
This is like 50 shades on steroids but with healthy relationship models and mutual respect among all parties involved and lesbian activity.
Getting knocked up by someone with a good job and a big dick, okay. I can handle that. Getting knocked up by someone who sells dildos for a living and has a tiny dick, SOMEBODY is losing a pair of balls.
Randomize
