I just crawled out of a second story window using a sheet and his clothes for a rope so he wouldn't wake up.
I am so glad I watched Macgyver as a kid.
JoAnns office is warmer than mine. . .it must be because she has the gateway to hell under her desk.
you were going around the whole club telling people to smell ur purse
I just sniffled when I woke up and got a bump of coke. I have never felt so good hung over.
My goal tonight is to get arrested because what cop can say they have ever arrested a giant sperm before. God I love halloween
He smashed a plastic chair leg on a tree stump, threw himself into the side of our metal enclosure, stomped on the wreckage for a bit and then punched the fire.
I can't be 100% sure of this but I think tonight was the first time I told a middle aged woman holding a baby to go fuck herself
As your attorney I advise you to rage rapidly
All I've had today is a brownie and a shot of Jack, so you know. I'm doing ok.
my roommate made out with a guy wearing a squirrel costume, equipped with a blow up tail. time to start harvesting nuts for the winter
I only had ten dollars. So leave it to Katie to somehow makeout with the bartender, on his shift mind you, and get free drinks.
holy shit I was not prepared for her to whip out that dildo
I got arrested FOR running from the cops. In college Dad got arrested and THEN ran from the cops. So it could be worse.
I just bought spray paint, a T-shirt, and a box of magnum condoms. The cashier refused to make eye contact! Haha
So here I am, sexting at work.
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