After a valiant attempt at golf, I think it's time for Tiger to go back to doing what he does best- having sex w/ blond, white women.
Just gave a urinal high five to a complete stranger. Might not be such a bad night after all
since i'm not going, you must continue my tradition of flashing every person there.
There's a skull full of vodka. How bad can it be?
every single time I see a picture of the two of them on facebook, I want to just call her and scream "your boyfriend said I give the best head on the east coast". But I've been told that would be inappropriate.
Using all my books as packing buffer for my liquor bottles. And you said being an English major was worthless.
Woke up backwards on a recliner
Ok because I want to set a new world record for how fast I can drink away my Christmas money
We have a little not a lot. We already rolled a blunt and named him Ron.
Can I just text her like "yo sorry I fucked your boyfriend, let's go get sushi" or like nah
I had a meltdown and you quoted Puddle of Mudd to me
I had my first "Damn Kids/When I Was That Age" rant at work today. We need to drink this feeling out of me. NOW.
My hot gay tattoo artist grew a beard and I'm not taking it well.
Oh, now I remember why I deleted your number. You're kind of a dick. Please delete mine.
You want further proof that God hates me? Okay. We're on the way to the ER. A homeless man stabbed me at the gas station.
Randomize
