Dude, I woke up at my ex's house. I am spooning her half naked roommate. There is a pizza on my shoulder. I need you to come pick me up.
What did you want me to do? You know I don't like fat people. I'm an asshole to them sober it only gets worse when I'm drunk
That doesn't make it okay! You tried kicking the girl's mom out where we were having the party at!
there is no excuse for him not showing up to my st. patrick's day party. i touch his dick. i get him on the high holidays.
I may have made out with a tranny last night, which, if I don't get fired for everything else that happened, really makes last night epic.
You are a lesbian wizard with red hair. You are willow
Come to my pity party. It's being hosted in my basement. The theme is ambiguously sexual cuddling and wine.
We went the strip club and out of no where the waitress brings him over a quesadilla and a jäger bomb and says your usual!! He swore he had never been there before
Every time I burp I plan an escape route because I'm scared I'm gonna puke on grandma
If your gig isn't over in 30 minutes I am coming on that stage to come on your dick.
HE LITERALLY JUST PEED IN MY ROOM IDK WHAT TO DO HELP
I try not to flex my sex appeal too much around the engineers, it's like feeding bears...always ends in disaster.
I'm gonna try and get through this weekend sober, which is gonna be tough especially since I've already started drinking.
Then his buddy called and said "my car broke down, I need a ride. If I'm not home by midnight they'll extend my house arrest." And I knew it was time to leave.
We went from him going down on me to swapping baby pictures of our moms.
Started mixing booze directly into the 2 liters and carrying them around. Mixing less often, and now kind of weightlifting,so double effecient.
Randomize
