Picture the opening band right now: euro, beer guts, one member in oversized hipster lumberjack apparel, the other in childsized american apparel and shorts. Singing in german.
Goodnight my chunky, little, marshmallow muncher
I just saw a homeless guy on rollerblades; I don't think I've ever felt sorrier for someone in my life.
i perioded on his leg
on. his. leg.
I just deleted all the drug dealers from my phone, I guess this is growing up
Admitting I go to nursing school is my subtle way of saying, yes, I know every muscle in your penis and how to effectively use them.
let's just say I never want to get pulled over and have to explain to the cop why I'm wearing a false beard again.
Do you know anyone with a stuffed cougar? I want one for a self portrait to hang in my house. A bobcat or lynx might work too.
I couldn't drown my sorrows in an ocean of jack daniels. They may have scuba gear.
The bartender charged us for drinks. Life is different.
My kid just put flowers in my hair to make me pretty, then showed my boobs to an entire playground. He's either the best wingman or the worst.
he came during what was supposed to be the foreplay blowjob. there goes my evening.
I'd marry him just to keep his penis in the country
I've been sleeping with the same person for about two months now, I think I know a little bit about stability and commitment.
He left me alone in a hotel room my last night in town to go home to jerk off and watch TV. So yeah, I guess we're not really friends.
Randomize
