On a scale of affliction to ed hardy, how douchy is in there right now?
Why are you ignoring all of my texts?
The power was out.
Sandwiches eeeeeeverywhere.
im holly from the hills drunk
I love my boobs, they're the only thing that supports me. They make me a solid 6.
The bank teller laughed at me....I'm apparently that fucking hungover looking
All I wanted was my $85. Judgement free. But nooooo
Don't underestimate her when she starts going by "the vodka queen"
I would have gladly let him decapitate me with the way he was biting on my neck.
I rang in the new year by giving a lap dance to a Lutheran minister in a roomful of people including his wife. Jesus would be proud.
Jesus Christ. If I were a normal sex-having person, I'd think I was knocked up. I'm cycling through emotions like I'm in a decathlon to crazy.
My CPA just snapchatted me a picture of her playing beer pong at a picnic. Time to do my own taxes?
What's sexier than showing up smelling like fast food cigarettes with a jar of moonshine in your hand
Today is my 3 year wedding anniversary...and I've seen three different dicks.
Well my mom knows that the welt I had on my forehead last month was the result of a sex accident. This holiday sucks
I let a drunk straight girl spank me with a metal paddle at the bar tonight. Remind me to never do that again.
Randomize
