I'm drunk in f*****g wisconsin and want to kill myself.
If it's any consolation, be grateful that you're not in New Jersey.
So I was talking to her on the phone last night and had to mute it so I could take a crap.
Side Note: My mute button doesn't work.
He ran into the room yelling "attack! Attack!", jumped on top of me on the air mattress, popped the air mattress, and then we had victory sex, because he was proud of popping it.
I can't even masturbate anymore!! That was my last source of cardio!!
Drunkness level: fluent in olde norse
Wearing the same clothes for three days in a row and eating an entire two pound bag of jelly beans really has a way of making a person rethink their life...
I asked him to explain what he meant by "hooking up" in paragraph form
it was also funny because at one point I woke up with my hands tied with a belt and we were both like what the fuck
How am i even supposed to meet his daughter? "Hi, Claire, I hear we have so much in common, like we both love your Dad and also we're almost the same age."
Did he hurt you? I have a crowbar I can beat his sorry ass with
She turned down sex for beer pong. I'm not sure if I should be disappointed or not.
Hey when you get home, can you do me a solid and throw one of your pregnancy tests on my bed?
EPT or First Response?
He pulled out a Plan B pill and handed it to me as I left like it was a party favor. God Bless America.
Well this guy just went into a detailed lecture about how rinos are developing into unicorns.. It's gonna be a good night.
I just gave my boss a blowjob. underneath his desk at work. that promotion is mine!
Randomize
