so after he got his stomach pumped, he asked for a smoking room.
so i had sex last night with my 12th partner, but hes number 1 for my first time using a condom. i think im finally learning.
I'm inventing beer flavored vodka. This raspberry shit makes me feel like a pussy.
Left for charity run at 5AM. Saw a pigeon eating last night's vomit and a pair of shame-walkers in high heels. Nature at it's finest.
Mom just Facebook checked into an Applebees at 2am. Caption: ''WITH THE BESTIEZ.''
I think as far as last words to bitter ex girlfriends go, "enjoy that staph infection youre about to get in your uterus" is right up there with the best
How could you give up sex for lent? I gave up religion for lent years ago and never looked back. Or give up civility, not sex.
Girl just walked into the bar with a T-shirt that says "I'm not Irish, kiss me anyways." Target aquired.
Ok. So let me get this straight. She treats her vagina like a clown car, yet judges me for just making out with the guy that bought all of us shots?
He tried to convince me that it wasn't really that small and all he had to do was pull back the groin fat. It was still small.
I'm sort of afraid for my life tho. If the 4th of July can be the way it was a DMX show is capable of anything
He was licking my ear while recommending that I shop at IKEA. I think he's my perfect guy.
Too much dab too little lung dying šµšµšµ
I have to choose between charging my phone or my vibrator. This is bullshit.
First she snuck beer into the movies and then proceded to give me a handjob in the dark theatre. I think I'm in love
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