party started at 10. cops are coming to shut us down now and its 11. i already lostmy underwear and im wearing a sparkly thong on my haed. this has to be some kinda record.
sexting loses it's worth when you accidentally text your boss.
Just woke up. First thing I see: Little brother eating last night's jello shots thinking they're reg jello.
So chef boyardee smells exactly the same after you throw it up
i literally discovered the exact same thing last week. i had the lasagna one
ravioli
You got ahold of his prescription papers and gave out prescriptions for cranberry and vodka
omg. if hes just gonna get mad everytime i have sex with one of his "friends" then it was never gonna work out
Who's got a bloodstream full of margaritas by 2pm? Not you, that's for sure, because you've got one of those "real" jobs.
We were talking about threesomes when she went to say who she would have as her third. She did not get to finish her sentence because her bf already said my name.My sheer presence destroys relationships.
Find me a date. With a beard. I want him to rub his beard on my tits. I'm not even into that stuff but I think it'd be so warm.
Please put me in a whole with no windows and never let me out.
But for real, I had the best sex of my life on that bunk bed
No. We can't get pedicures until my toenails grow back.
I just fell and sprained my ankle in the shower. No, I wasn't having sex. I was doing the time warp. Again.
yeah i'm making him "thanks for letting me befriend your toilet" cookies. wanna help? i'm sure you'll be making new friends too.
I’m not washing my pussy with handsoap.
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