I am not having having sex with guys at the moment.
I can pretend to be a girl if you want. I have a tongue.
Wait. When you mean sick you mean a cold sick right ? not something else.
Stuck behind a lady in her 70's purchasing a plastic handle of vodka and nothing else. She is writing a check. Hello future.
She got her phone back last night. And the first thing I sent her was a picture of me pooping in a culvers bathroom
I wish we could tell the moving van to wait at the strip club for a while.
Who knows? Maybe we can sing afternoon delight into each other's genitals.
He got up when I started trying to balance my wine glass on his head.
your sister totally cock blocked me last night don't even think about inviting her to taco night
He gave me the choice between a threeway with his best friend or a tiny turtle. Unfortunately I chose the threeway.
First date was awkward. I think I just saw someone die.
On a happier note, I can fit in my old shorts. Dope does have its perks
My mom just busted me rolling a blunt on her bathroom counter. ...all she said was fuck it it's Christmas
I know it's just really hard to give up sex and cigs during a blizzard
On today's episode of "What the Shit Did I Do Last Night," drunk me deleted ALL of the text messages I've ever had. Awesome.
She stripped naked and ran around the outside of the house while I stood by the tent holding her clothes shouting "come back" because I was too drunk to chase her. This is why we can't have nice things.
Randomize
