My 54 year old father just sent me a YouTube link on my school email titled "Walrus sucks his own dick" and then wrote in the email "I wish I were a walrus". What the fuck is wrong with my family?
His hospital is closing...I consider it "sorry you're losing your job" sex.
Nah it's cool, I made him pinky promise me he wouldn't die if I left him passed out in the bathroom.
I'd like to say yes, but I nearly lost my shit when I assumed there was no back to my house. I am not strong enough for hallucinations.
Remember that night I drank a bunch of vodka, pounded your Jameson because 'you were a pussy', punched you in the face and ran off as fast as my high heels could go? It was just my Russian and Irish sides fighting for genetic dominance
Well, now that you have a gf, its gonna be awkward when I get drunk and make out with you..... Then later, pretend like I don't remember.
ecstacy + fleshlight = not all that upset about being newly single anymore
Seriously you have a sixth sense. You woke up out of a nap to tell us all to check the clock and it was 4:18. You're like the spiderman of smoking weed.
He wins the giant teddy bear for getting the neuva ring on the dick
You drunkenly promised dick pics on your way out the door and then never delivered. I don't know how I'll ever be able to trust you again.
Seriously, he's as bad as Joffrey. I hope this ends like Game Of Thrones did.
Update: the condoms are expired and Canadians are NOT to be trusted!
After we'd both come, we started writing a book about dragons. Woke up this morning to a full English breakfast. Can't thank you enough for introducing us
Oh yeah I meant to tell you the Tomb Raider looking girl so crop dusted me on the stairway
Anne is dead. totally passed out and was flat out in the street
Randomize
